I should really save this post for my confessions Friday but it’s been bothering so it’s better to write it out now and get my feelings on paper before I forget. Like this memory that I apparently pushed to the back of my mind but now it’s wants to show is ugly head and quite frankly I’m embarrassed that I actually thought this was a normal thing to do and want.
There’s no good way to say this but when I was younger I so wanted to be white. With long manageable hair and deep green or blue eyes. Mind you I have long hair it’s just thick as hell. But it was something about having it bone straight the way my mother use to have hers after she gotten it relaxed. I wanted that. I wanted to run my fingers through my hair without it getting caught in my thick natural hair.. I wanted my hair to be slayed and slicked back into a nice stylist ponytail. I wanted white people hair. Whatever that means. So when I was old enough to get a relaxer I was happy. I could finally wear my hair out and it could blow in the wind and look pretty like all the other girls.
Yes these were my thoughts as a child. I was kind of obsessed with being white. So much in fact that I would stick my hands in bleach to see if it would change my color. Obviously, it didn’t work but at that time I hoped and prayed that it would. That it would be a shade or two lighter than what it is. Now that I’m older I’ve learned to appreciate the skin that I’m in but it took me a hell of a long time to do. My brown skin is beautiful and I embrace it with all my heart even though some people think I should be ashamed.
Anyways, that is all that I wanted to say and get off my chest. I know this could have been much deeper but I feel like I couldn’t convey what I want to say in an eloquent way without getting angry with myself and peppering this post with a lot of explicit language. Maybe in the future I will write an essay on this topic again but for now its just great that I got to say what I had to say. To get this hurtful memory on paper (wordpress).
Thanks for stopping by and reading. I appreciate it. Are there any readers that felt this way at one point in there lives? If so I would like to know if you are willing to share.